My Head Hurts...

Remember in a previous post, where I stated that it just seems when my situation seems to get slightly better, there is something lurking... Well.... its happening. And I am truly tired of making people feel better, helping to save face and losing myself in the process... This is a venting post... So if you don't see the Lord anywhere in this one, please pray that I get everything off my chest and chase Him after I am done. :)

Its a blessing and a curse to be known places. I cannot and I refuse to live for someone else other than the Lord... The situation that I am in this season of my life has my family (as well as my extended fam) in many pieces.. I am hurting by that.. I don't want them to have to endure because of my mistakes and or issues, but it happens. I am not in the least trying to put more hurt, pain and anguish on anyone.. I have been in situations that only the Lord could have gotten me out of.... I have battled with low self esteem, pain, abuse (physical, verbal and emotional) and I am done.... I am not going to squish myself for anyone who isn't willing to put in the blood, sweat and tears to make it work along with me....

I didn't want a baby at 24.... but I had her and she is the best thing God could have ever given me... :) I didn't want to be in an abusive relationship with her biological father, but it happened and I am glad it did now. The Lord showed me thru that you are indeed special, you are someone, you need me to be your husband and a father to your baby daughter. And that He can take all of my pain, tears and fears and turn them into joy and peace. I have grown tremendously from that and I am NOT going back to that place.

I won't allow my past to dictate my future (in the negative sense of the phrase).... That was a hard battle in itself... And I know for a fact, that the Lord is indeed good... (well I guess I have to talk about the Lord (hehehehe) And I feel like that is where I am headed if I don't stand firm in what I believe I have been told.. I know situations are repairable, I know the Lord can do exceeding, abundantly above what I could ever ask or think... But, until you have been where I have been, and seen what I have, you can only say and or pray based on what is given to you.....

So, I have said all of that to say... I am now going to listen to Daddy. And I am going to let him be what I need when I need it this go 'round...

More later,

Jenn Jenn