This Position... A Time To Heal

This entry is based on comments I received on 'scars'... The one thing that I want to do and am aiming to do is take the proper time to get myself together and realize that this was (and still is) a gigantical storm. I never wanted to dust myself right off and get right back out there.. Heaven's no. That would be insane. Plus, the baggage left over would just be packed right on in the next go 'round. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

• The first thing I have done (and what I am continuing to do) is I have prayed, fasted and have asked for confirmation on the steps that I have taken thus far. I asked for forgiveness of what I have done and what I haven't done. I have forgiven those who I feel have hurt me in some kind of way. And at this stage in the game... I have also asked if the decisions I have made been acceptable and if they have not, I asked to be shown.

• The second thing is to take care of myself (foreal). I have begun this year, to take at least an evening to myself and do things that Jenn likes. If that is being selfish, well then I need to be for myself. It would seem to some that I am always doing things for myself, when indeed I am not. If I don't learn how to enjoy myself then I won't be ready to enjoy anything or anyone else. If I don't take time out for myself sometimes, I am going to seriously wind up in some mental institution and miss out on being who my daughter needs me to be for her, who my family needs me to be for them and most importantly who Jesus needs me to be for the kingdom. My ultimate goal is to pursue the Lord with everything I have. And I need to be whole to accomplish that.

• The third thing I have decided to do (and will continue to do) is seek the Lord and surrender to hearing His voice and not my own. This has been some pilgrimmage for me. And I am not about to stop chasing down my Daddy for guidance and wisdom. For those who know the true ins and outs of this particular 'scar', I have battled with the decisions that I have made and it hasn't been easy. I have cried more in the last year than I think I ever have. I have wanted to just give it up and leave this world because I thought I wouldn't be good enough to do or be anything. Truth be told my scars are verbal and emotional abuse which aren't a joy to battle. I have dealt with that for a number of years and that is one scar I want to heal.

I was reading Psalms 84 and verse 10 caught my attention: 'Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.' I want to be as close as I possibly can to Him. And one day in His courts, in His presence is far better than wallowing in my feelings of no self worth, low self esteem any day... :)

I want to truly learn more and enjoy who Jenn is. I didn't do that before. And now I have the chance to do so. And I am sooooooooooooooo thankful for this opportunity.

' Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. ' Psalms 85:10-11.

At the intersection of His love and faithfulness, I have found my life. For years I took detours. This go 'round, no detours or early exits because its easy... I am on a mission to find my way home.