I Have 2 Come Clean....

About my entries of releasing how I felt about this season of my life (and this process) They have been venting sessions. And the fact of the matter is this process is just downright crazy stupid. I mean you would think I would have gone freakin' looney by now. I am going to tell you the only one that is helping me to 'hold it down' is Jesus. I wonder if it is this time of the year that brings a huge range of emotion on and I honestly don't know how to deal unless I have talked to the Lord about how to make it through.

One of the many reasons I decided to join hands with the man I thought was ready to make a convenant with Jesus and myself was because I didn't want to be by myself anymore. I didn't like the fact that (I felt)I had sooooo much of myself to give that I didn't have anyone to share it with. I just knew that we would work everything out together. Like we had in the past. Another reason was because I felt (and still do sometimes) that "D" needs (or needed) a permanent father figure in her life to make her world better. I thought that her "godfather" would be the best candidate not realizing that a wonderful man was already in her life to be there for her. And boy did I mess that up...

My heart hurts right now only because I have done some 'jacked' up things in my life and I know I can't go back and fix them. I can only live for right now. I wish I could go back to the past and pinpoint just where the 'jacked up' decisions started. Someone has told me that I am precious, intelligent, have wonderful qualities and I don't need to jump at the first person who compliments me. I need to enjoy myself and take care of myself because I can't be and won't be any good to anyone if I am not those things to myself.