I Have To Come Clean.. Pt 2

In this lovely moment of cleansing, I have to admit that the entire time I was with JD,I was doing what I dreaded. Trying to be in love with a man using 'old love'. Love has to evolve and grow in order to be maintained. I think both of us are guilty of trying to keep the '93-'95 romance alive. And it just wasn't working. When the seasons of your life change, so should you. I thought that the man I gave my heart and life to would be oh my goodness down right giddy to have his high school sweetheart as his wife. But again, I have gotten leftovers. It started wearing me down and I felt Jenn losing her mind. I wasn't functioning properly.

I learned to put on the 'everything is beautiful' face and wore it honey. :) I always wanted him to look good and stand out. I tried my bestest (would prefer using another word)to make sure he knew he is the man. But, I never got that (I am his woman fo' sho) in return. I believe that the Lord allows things to happen for a reason even when they look wrong and out of order. I know I want Jesus to be my one and only until He says otherwise. I have to remember that no one can satisfy me but Him.

No man (humanly possible as of this moment) can take care of me, love me, hold me like Jesus can. And what happens with me is I put ALL of my faith in a man (JD at the time) and then I get hurt and disappointed because they aren't my Superman. Then it never fails, I go into a funk and that low self esteem side of me tries to creep back in to tell me that I am not nor will I ever be worth anyone truly accepting me and loving me, that no one will ever want me. Sometimes even now, I wonder if that's true. But I know its not. But when you have heard it sooo much, it makes you wonder.

I am not saying it's right what's going on, because it's not. What I am saying is that its time to shed all of that unneccesary baggage of old dreams, old love and begin again. And at this time, I want to begin the process (foreal) of shedding what's not supposed to be in my life at this time as apposed to letting myself fall into that dark pit of loneliness, hurt, low esteem and bitterness. And go back to wondering if what I was told 5 years ago was truth: That I would never be loved because I was filthy worn rags...