Time Sure Does Fly By....

I realize that I haven't posted since August.. whoa... Time flies when you are working, I have been here at my job for almost a year :-O (Nov. 1st) and I am truly, truly thankful for the situations, antics, fallouts, arguments, frustration that I have had in order to get closer to Jesus in the workplace. Blessed oil comes in real handy around here.... ;)) I have been frustrtated :-L, mad at the world, mad at people for the things that I did. But, no one has control over my actions, but me. I have learned to step back and re-evaluate situations without just making decisions emotionally. That is soooooo hard to do...

About this time last year, I was venting about what was going on in my world and where I was with it. And recalling the many blessings I have received since then. The Lord has revealed quite a bit in a year and I must say that I have been knocked on my face to pray. This situation is a lil more complicated, more complex than before...
***When you get a moment, please [-O< for you me***

I have been at my wits ~X( end about how to continue moving forward. Things are falling into place, and I am thankful that the Lord hasn't given up on me yet...

I sure hope that whatever the ultimate final decision is that I make, won't leave me without the people I need the most. I think that is my biggest fear. Well, off to work I go...:-"


Love you all :x :)>-,

Slipped Thru His Fingers.... This Time

Have you ever wondered why the Lord allows certain things to happen (or not happen) in your life? Do you ever feel like nothing is moving around you? Like everything is at a standstill and all you really want is results from you fervent prayers?? Not that you are questioning His authority or power, but just wondering how come that particular lesson didn't get caught before it got to you...

**** Jenn thinking ****
I know for a fact that alot of what could happen doesn't because the Lord knows His children. He knows how much we can handle while calling on His name. I do know that "this too shall pass" in whatever season or which test I am in....

Father, I come before Your throne Oh Lord to cast my cares upon you. I don't know the outcome as of yet, but I know that You got this.... Show me how to let go and give You that last piece of baggage before I take off to my next destination of growth. I can't go to the next place with it. I have to leave and mean it. Your word says to give everything to You and let You handle it. I surrender, Lord. I surrender to You every single plan, thought, action that pertains to self glorification. I choose to follow Your word, I choose to follow Your heart when it comes to what's best for Jenn. I love you with every breath I breathe...

In your precious Son's name I pray, Amen....

Talk About Cleaning House... Ole Stuff Just Won't Do

Do you ever get the feeling like everything around you flithy is clogging up your system? Or that the dust flying in the air is causing your allergies to flare?

Maybe it's time to get some spring/summer cleaning done? Let's go deeper, shall we? How about spring/summer cleaning your spiritual being? Do the things you incorporate into your life that are within "comfort boundaries" clog up your system? Do your "spiritual sinuses" begin to go haywire due to some dust in the air? In talking to my sister (bestest friend ever in life), the Holy Spirit advised me that in order to be refreshed, rejuvenated and ready for the next phase of this journey, I need to get rid of some things... All of the excess baggage, doesn't need to follow me the rest of my days.. :) Wow.. Look at God !!! I was wondering why my mind wasn't clear, why I was always looking for some type of "the right medicine" to get rid of this headache that just wouldn't go away. You know the kind that sort of lingers, goes away... comes back... lingers.. you get the idea..

I knew I was going to have to clean, but good gracious a life.... I didn't realize there was sooo much to clean.. Not just the right now, but the before right now **Jenn getting dizzy**.. That's quite a bit. But the wonderful part of that is, I don't have to do it all in one swoop. I can clean in stages, which is a blessing in itself.. :)

Lord,

You have been EVERYTHING I need since I can remember. Forgive me, Father for putting those things and people in my world before You and not getting rid of the garbage as I should have. Thank you that You are a God of protection, love, truth, soverignty, grace and mercy.. I come before You now, knowing what's at hand, and laying it at Your feet for me to not to worry about. Create in me in pure and gentle heart so that I may worship You freely and openly....

In Your Precious Son's name I pray,

Amen...

Well, I betta get to cleaning !!! See ya !!!

I am a May baby...

I love it when I'm tagged.. Thanks Ro !!!

I am a May baby... Taurus it is...

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislikes being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

What's underlined is me, so true... wow.. :)

TAGGING RULES:
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving them a comment.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when yours is up!

The Twelve Months:

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Ok.... ***Jenn thinking*** Half of the people I know that blog have already been tagged... So I will just leave comments for those who care to enjoy the fun !!!

Jenn

And Again It Starts...

You know, all of those mixed emotions that can either take you down or make you stronger... I am in the final stages of permanently seperating from my first love and even though this is has been one wild ride, the seatbelt isn't enough right now to hold me down and keep my heart safe.

Let's go thru all of the emotions shall we?

1. Angry - I am tired of everyone that has had comments speaking to me like they have lived where I have in this season and act like that there is just one side to this story. I didn't ask for this. I am like Rissa some marriages were doomed to fail from the get go....To me (and a few others), JD saw a cinderella story, I saw work .... When work got too hard, he quit and ran.. And he wants everyone to rally behind him to make me break. In previous posts, I have stated that I do know (and realize) nothing is too big or too hard for God. I know He can change anything, but that person who is "calling" out to the Master, needs to want it wholeheartedly (and sincerely) in their heart before anything will begin to move.

2. Sad- Again, I didn't want this, however.... *standing on a soapbox to be seen* my relationship with Jesus is FAR more important.. downright crucial to maintain than any other relationship at this point in my life... My heart is heavy because I know JD is a good man and can be whatever the Lord has called him to be. I know he can do what he sets his mind to and be successful. (too much like right)and I know I have been created to be a wife, mother, and all of that jazz... And right now, it seems to be not in the cards for Jenn.

3. Frustrated and Annoyed - I don't know why folks seem to think that because I have a "history" with them, that I should follow them to the lake of fire.... Are you kidding? My relationships with anyone else has nothing to do with the relationship at the forefront. I understand receiving Godly advice, wisdom and what have you... But, come on.. that is just another way to bully me. Not !!!!

4. Scared - I don't know what lies ahead, but you know what???? I have never been this close to the Lord and I don't intend on "joshin' it " up now. I am determined not to lose my Daddy in the midst of emotional baggage and unecessary dramatics. I have to be at my best for my daughter as well as for my family. The only way to do is that to battle with every single emotion and feeling that pops up. I am terrified, but I know I am safe in the arms of Jesus. That is why Psalms 91 rings true for me.

I eventually will come out of this sucky world, I don't like the feeling of it now, but I have learned that the sucky parts are for the peachy parts of your life.

I love every single one of you who keep up with me.

***I know I should blog more *** :)

Jenn

The Newness In Me..

There is this little girl inside of me that has decided to come out and play. And I love it. She is into bright beautiful colors, changing how she looks and dresses. She is too excited to be tipping through the tulips !! This little mama also loves to just be herself and not worry about who is watching. This little lady is free !!!

I felt in bondage for tooo long and now I have come out of my shell. I have never felt better in my years of claiming Jesus (Ro, you know what I mean):) Everyday, little by little, the Lord is strpping me of the those things that I cannot hold on to that aren't of Him. If I am to take my rightful place in the kingdom, then I need to dot my i's and cross my t's.. :) I am on a mission to make the Lord proud and please Him on a daily basis with my life.

It gets hard sometimes, but I know the end result is Greatness with the Father !!! If I make Him my everything, I have nothing to worry about !!! Isn't that exciting???? Just think, brick by brick, day by day you are getting closer to the Father by sowing yourself into His word and renewing your spirit faithfully which includes dying to self. If you change certain attributes about yourself such as your mindset, attitude, most importantly your character to be more like Christ, you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose !!! **dancing**

I am going to stop before I get to shouting foreal !!!

Love you all,

Jenn

Moving into God's Love....

Is a wonderful thing to get into. I am learning what Daddy's love truly means in my life. The beauty of learning to grow in and accept His love is that I am seeing how tenacious He is with His love towards me as well as others. It's just simply breath taking to be able to say He does love me and understand it. After everything He did, he still continues to "rain on me softly when my leaves are brown".

All of the ways I can describe His love are:

1. Loving :)
2. Gentle
3. Sweet
4. Undescribable
5. Wonderful
6. Soft
7. Invigorating
8. Inspirational

God's love makes you want to be better for His glory as well as yourself. His love isn't self serving. As our love for one another shouldn't be. You want to change your mindset, your way of handling situations, your walk, your talk, how you communicate with others. Basically, His love makes you want to mature in areas of your life that you had never even thought about growing in !! Its wonderful !!! **getting teary eyed**

I love how the Lord is like a parent. In fact, He is one. He checks to make sure we have what we need and sometimes gives us what we want. And when we get too far off from His hand, we get sucked back into His arms before something crazy happens. Or sometimes He just lets us fall flat on our faces to realize that we need Him and no one can fill that empty space (void) like He can. :) I know I need Him more than ever now than ever before. Yeah, I do. I am glad that the Lord didn't (and hasn't) given up on me.

Love you all who have captured the essence of God's love for themselves. I am glad I have. And now I can truly chase Him to learn about Him and His word all the while, learn who Jenn is through the covering by the blood of my Daddy. :)

A Time To Heal....Confirmation

In the midst of the healing process that is underway within me, I prayed and asked the Lord to show me how to forgive and let go of all of the pain, hurt and bitterness that I have. A good friend of mine did a blog entry about that very thing. Man, was that confirmation for me!!! It was a breath of fresh air as well. I hadn't quite swallowed that particular piece of the puzzle just yet. There were a couple of things he proceeded to write about that truly stuck out:

No matter the degree or level of pain you have to let go, forgive yourself, and forgive the person. Continuing to live in this poison of unforgiveness torments your life. The book of Matthew 18:23-25 teaches us when don't forgive people you get turned over to the torturer. Meaning in your thoughts you have hate or feelings of bitterness swimming in your mind. When you walk in forgiveness you help yourself.

How to forgive and let go:

1. Depend- it's very difficult to forgive when you are not depending on God. As the old saying goes "let go and let God". You must allow the power of the Holy Spirit to be in place. Don't do your own thing …….do it with God. Call on accountable others who can help you…. In John 20:22, 23 Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit" then he spoke about forgiving people. Ask God to breathe on you, so you can forgive those who've hurt you.
2. Decide- Make a decision today you will walk in forgiveness and let go. Chose to obey God and make a quality decision and God will heal your wounded heart (Matt 6: 12, 14)

3. Obey- God has called us to pray for our enemies, bless and not curse them
4. Don't hurt people because you are hurting
5. Control your emotions by not making emotional decisions that will have long term consequences.

There are more points, but I think what I have right here is where I needed to begin this journey of mine. :) I am certainly glad that I have realized that this is one of the main reasons why things haven't been unraveled in this season of my life. I haven't allowed the Lord to work on me as I have prayed for. Because it's a two way street. I can 't expect the Lord to do His thing, if I don't put forth a hearfelt, sincere effort on my part. I am again glad that the Lord has given me the opportunity to strive to be better for Him. I am thankful for the forgiveness of those whom I have hurt. I am sooo thankful that I have a chance to get my love relationship back on track with my Daddy.

Lord,

You do things that I can't even begin to understand. But I trust You with my life. I give to you everything I have because You alone can fix me up and make me whole again. Make me over, Lord. With your help, I can do anything. Remove all of the impurities that affect my ability to worship and serve You. You are worthy of all of the glory, honor and praise !!! In Jesus' name. Amen.

Revealing What's Underneath..Pt2....

I have decided to let the Lord do what He does best. I would love for Him to be what He is in Malachi 3:3 in my life. A refiner and purifier. I want to be that black piece of nothing and refined and purified and cleaned to look like the diamond in the rough that I am. Are there things in your life that you are still holding to because you are afraid of what can be revealed?

Don't. Holding on to your past mistakes, hurts, fears can help you miss out on your present blessings. Whatever meat is left on those bones of the skeleton you are holding on so tight to, is not worth missing out on the grace, love and faithfulness of Jesus. He is everything we need. I am learning to surrender everything to Him because I want to please Him.

I am sooo terrified at this next season of my life because it will require some much of the Jenn I want to know to reveal herself. Oh boy. The Lord shows me bits and pieces and I am glad He does it that way. I would be nutty if He gave me what's next all at once. I know my prayer life is going to change, my heart will have to change, my spirit will have to be more open, my flesh is going to have to come down foreal. :)


Lord,

I want to thank you for holding on to me even when I didn't want You to. Thank you for allowing the right people(spirits) to be in my life at the right time. Father, I ask right now that you cover, protect, guide those who are seeking your face. Allow the windows of heaven to be opened for them. Give them all of what they need in order to pursue You more and more. I thank you for being my Savior, Deliverer(yes !), my Comforter, my Waymaker.. You truly do all things well.


Jenn

Revealing What's Underneath Pt1...

While conversating with my sister-friend the other day, she made a statement that has been in the back of my mind (this whole time) truly come to life. I thought I pressed it so far back into my head that it wasn't even a factor in my thought process. Really and truly I almost forgot about it. To the point where it would creep back in to the forefront of my mind when a situation came up. "You aren't going to be anything but filthy rags". " No one is going to want you just the way you are." I heard those words from T.A. for so long that I guess in trying to figure out what has really been holding me back this whole time from truly living out my life for Jesus were those statements. In talking it out with her, I realized that I have been saying these statements to myself subconsciously(sp?). Not those exact words, but close enough for me to clam up and press forward holding on to my past woes and not succeeding in the way the Lord saw fit. I was indeed living a defeated life. And most of the time, didn't realize it.

Even when you have someone (mostly family) saying to you that you are special, you are worth more than that, you can do anything... it still comes down to you accepting and using your gifts and talents that the Lord gave you. He didn't just create you for His health. He created you for a purpose. And its up to us as His babies to adhere to what He has giving us to do. I no longer want to put those negative feelings, statments in the forefront of my mind. I want Jesus to walk with me. I don't want to live a defeated life forever. I want my Daddy to scoop me up into His arms and guide on the path I need to go. The decisions I made in 2007 will stick as long as I am hearing His voice and not mine.

I am going to rebuke anything negative that comes my way because I know that's the ole Jenn trying to come out and play and I don't want to play with her anymore. I remember seeing in my sleep, me in ALL BLACK (darkness) with dark makeup on and looking like I had lost everything (which I had). I saw a hand come down toward me and pick me up from the ball that I was in, shake me til I was clean and kissed me and was told that everything would be alright. Just Trust in Me. Have faith in me instead of those men. See, if you remember some blog entries back, I talked about putting my faith into the wrong man's hands and not the Lord's. I honestly believe that the Lord was showing me just that in my sleep. I saw all of the men who at some point were a part of my life who I had given everything to, and I mean everything pop up out of nowhere. And the way to get rid of the hurt, pain and remains of feeling worthless was to scream them out.. yeah, it was pretty weird to me at the time to. But the more I did it, the more things started going away and changing for the better....

Never Have I Felt Like This...

I know that I was created to be a mother, wife and all of that good stuff that comes with life. I know that it takes time and patience for things to come to pass. I know I didn't wait for time or have the patience to make sure things were right for "D" or myself. I wonder sometimes, if I would've waited instead of letting my physical side have the best of me (and JD too), would things be different. I wonder if I had been the one to say,"Maybe we ought to slow this thing down", would things be different. I wonder if I said how I felt sooner than later would things be any different. But no longer am I living in 1993. No longer can I justify to anyone why I did those things. What I have to do is live in accordance to what my new manwants for my life. I need to truly enjoy Jenn and "D" before I left someone else have my heart.

Never have I felt like I can be myself and enjoy all of who Jenn is. It bothers me and hurts to be seperate from my first love and not have that relationship (covenant) with him again, but I would much rather live with Jesus and submit to Him rather than live out of order because the man I needed to be my Jesus (in the home) wants me to be head of the household. I love Jesus too much to let a human come between us. It is not that deep.

I love you all who continue to pray that trouble don't last always in our lives. Thank you for being an inspiration for me to keep moving forward.

I Have To Come Clean.. Pt 2

In this lovely moment of cleansing, I have to admit that the entire time I was with JD,I was doing what I dreaded. Trying to be in love with a man using 'old love'. Love has to evolve and grow in order to be maintained. I think both of us are guilty of trying to keep the '93-'95 romance alive. And it just wasn't working. When the seasons of your life change, so should you. I thought that the man I gave my heart and life to would be oh my goodness down right giddy to have his high school sweetheart as his wife. But again, I have gotten leftovers. It started wearing me down and I felt Jenn losing her mind. I wasn't functioning properly.

I learned to put on the 'everything is beautiful' face and wore it honey. :) I always wanted him to look good and stand out. I tried my bestest (would prefer using another word)to make sure he knew he is the man. But, I never got that (I am his woman fo' sho) in return. I believe that the Lord allows things to happen for a reason even when they look wrong and out of order. I know I want Jesus to be my one and only until He says otherwise. I have to remember that no one can satisfy me but Him.

No man (humanly possible as of this moment) can take care of me, love me, hold me like Jesus can. And what happens with me is I put ALL of my faith in a man (JD at the time) and then I get hurt and disappointed because they aren't my Superman. Then it never fails, I go into a funk and that low self esteem side of me tries to creep back in to tell me that I am not nor will I ever be worth anyone truly accepting me and loving me, that no one will ever want me. Sometimes even now, I wonder if that's true. But I know its not. But when you have heard it sooo much, it makes you wonder.

I am not saying it's right what's going on, because it's not. What I am saying is that its time to shed all of that unneccesary baggage of old dreams, old love and begin again. And at this time, I want to begin the process (foreal) of shedding what's not supposed to be in my life at this time as apposed to letting myself fall into that dark pit of loneliness, hurt, low esteem and bitterness. And go back to wondering if what I was told 5 years ago was truth: That I would never be loved because I was filthy worn rags...

I Have 2 Come Clean....

About my entries of releasing how I felt about this season of my life (and this process) They have been venting sessions. And the fact of the matter is this process is just downright crazy stupid. I mean you would think I would have gone freakin' looney by now. I am going to tell you the only one that is helping me to 'hold it down' is Jesus. I wonder if it is this time of the year that brings a huge range of emotion on and I honestly don't know how to deal unless I have talked to the Lord about how to make it through.

One of the many reasons I decided to join hands with the man I thought was ready to make a convenant with Jesus and myself was because I didn't want to be by myself anymore. I didn't like the fact that (I felt)I had sooooo much of myself to give that I didn't have anyone to share it with. I just knew that we would work everything out together. Like we had in the past. Another reason was because I felt (and still do sometimes) that "D" needs (or needed) a permanent father figure in her life to make her world better. I thought that her "godfather" would be the best candidate not realizing that a wonderful man was already in her life to be there for her. And boy did I mess that up...

My heart hurts right now only because I have done some 'jacked' up things in my life and I know I can't go back and fix them. I can only live for right now. I wish I could go back to the past and pinpoint just where the 'jacked up' decisions started. Someone has told me that I am precious, intelligent, have wonderful qualities and I don't need to jump at the first person who compliments me. I need to enjoy myself and take care of myself because I can't be and won't be any good to anyone if I am not those things to myself.

The Finale (Whew...Pt. 5)

Ok... so somewhere in the midst of the final preparations and the actual covenant made, there were of course the disagreements and discussions. And they weren't always between JD and I. He wouldn't talk to me unless someone had given him some kind of idea of what to say and how to say it.... That is how it was perceived by me. And the crazy part about that is, I wasn't the only one who noticed it. Plenty of people who knew him (us) can vouch for this. This has become one of the major issues of our marital lives. It would seem that JD wouldn't act on anything unless instructed... HUH? Come again? You aren't serious, are you Jenn? I know thats what you want to ask. And the answer is yes I am serious....
I know here again men are a little slower than women, but how often are you going to let someone else feed you "how you feel"? How do you let someone dictate your moves? You would get tired of that after a while, right? Oh my bad.. I forgot that's what makes you feel better... Someone babying you... Wow... Ain't gonna be able to do it. I am not saying that you shouldn't love on your hubby and want to do things for him. But to do everything almost including wiping his butt because he's not that type of guy to compromise slightly??????... Not my cup of tea.
Unless you are sick, I wouldn't mind, but other than that... Nope...I need to see you wanting to excel and see the progress of you wanting what's yours. Sorry if that was too explicit. I am just stating how I feel.

Ok, so by this time its pretty far along into the covenant, when JD just decided it seems like to do whatever makes him feel good. No matter the effect on his wife and the child. And wants me to be ok with it. I have yet to be that wonderfully talented to hide how I feel. So, I was used to getting the question posed to me, "Are you mad at me?" My answer would be: I am not mad at you, just disappointed with your actions... And then the conversation would begin and decisions would be made to fix the issue and wipe the slate clean.... Well, not even a couple of days would go by and the same "stuff" we would talk about would surface again. After a couple of the issues resurfaced about 5 or 6 times... I needed a timeout permanently. I couldn't believe that these same issues continued to laugh in face. And all the while one of the parentals and siblings was right according to JD.... ***head spinning*** I know it takes alot of patience, endurance, and stamina to be married....but, I wasn't going to kill myself trying to please JD and miss out on pleasing the Lord.....

At this point, I have yet to see how he is trying to make things work for "his" family. And making decisions without thinking about the consequences just to please folk doesn't work either. That only back fires.... :)And I am not saying I have been wonderful through this process, I know there are quite a few things I needed to work on. And I tried my best. But, you feel I am intimidated. And if your decision is to choose your parental guiders over me. Have at it. I am saying that I expect more than I was given. Seeing as how we are the ones that got hitched with Jesus and no one else is part of the equation. And it just amazes me that I get the leftovers from everything. Yes everything. Remember in one of my entries, I was telling you about the relationship before ours? That's one where I saw a transformation in him take place that was phenomenal. But as soon as that died, I got the trash left behind. I am worth more than that. And I am now on the path of allowing Jesus to be my husband, father, brother, mentor, and father to my daughter....


There is quite a bit more that I could disclose to you, but I won't until the time is right. I thank you for allowing me to vent and express myself. I appreciate the opportunity.

Whew (Oh Lord)....Pt 4

***Let me just tell you that I am thankful for grace and the everlasting arm of the Lord.*** Ok.... I am ready to finish this..........

So, after major fasting, prayer, crying, giggling..I thought I heard the Lord when He told me that is was the right thing to do in marrying JD. I thought so at the time.... Then preparations began. I asked specifically if this wasn't supposed to come to pass, show me.... I guess I was not on the same wavelength with the Lord because there were entirely too many red flags flying directly in my face.... No, I take that back, I did hear the Lord. I heard clearly to move forward. And so, I did. And as most of us would do who know Jesus, we constantly ask those nerve wretching, unending questions.. are you sure? is this really going to happen? if it is, show me... The first time the Lord gives you any kind of sign, PLEASE....PLEASE.... adhere to it. You may find yourself in not soo much mayhem if you would listen... ;)
My "not listening" antics were because the Lord was trying to prove a point to me. And boy did I get it... The point was to trust me with your life before you give it to a human. I didn't do that. I am still feeling the affects of that decision.

Anyhoo,
Here again I am not saying that JD is a horrible person. I am just saying that too much confusion, heartache and pain can lead someone down the road towards having a mental breakdown. It seemed like the more I tried to keep my mouth shut about things, the worse things got. Now, we as women sometimes don't need to voice our opinion, and then there are designated times when we should. I was trying to respect my husband's decisions all the while rolling my eyes into the back of my head, practically biting my tongue off after decisions have been made that I just thought were plain stupid. I had to respect him... I tried ya'll, I really did. I tried to put myself in his shoes.(Which were tooooooo big for me to fill, by the way)..Tried thinking like he did... Now, that made my head hurt. I didn't want that position anymore. I didn't want to make all of the decisions. It's supposed to be a team effort, right? Something close to 50/50, right? I'll take you're wrong for $500, Alex???
See? There I go again, thinking outside of him.

Somehow between disagreements and battles, I ended up becoming head of the house.... BUZZ !!!! Wrong answer, I wanted to help not take over... Oh, I forgot...that's what you are use to...so you wanted me to continue that tradition... NOT !!! I wasn't about to do that.. I love Jesus too much... And I refuse to be out of order and backwards because you won't do right.

Whew......Pt. 3

Ok, so by now I am sure you have figured out that I know nothing really about the marriage that I thought was between Jesus, JD and I. I thought I did. I guess we have different views on what marriage is and the 3 people it should consist of.
So, at this stage in the game based on his actions over the course of three weeks, he has decided that his madea is right and that I should just follow suit because that is what he has done all of his life. I have an issue with that.

And I know that guys are a little slower than women, but come on now, seriously. How many "lives" are you supposed to have before you finally decide in your mind, you are going to get it right? Or that you are going to do what's best for you instead of letting someone tell you its cool. Having an opinion is one thing, telling you what to do verbatim is another.

JD would yell it from the rooftops that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Everyone knew before I did... :) But the actions that followed were nothing like the words he expressed so eloquently. Now often I would see in his eyes how he felt about me (when others were around), I would feel as if everything was alright.. until I would hear in my head the scratching of the LP....Reality sets in again !!! Man, I REALY need the smiley expression.... Here is my thought process at this point: if he loves me like he says he does, why does it hurt so bad to be with him and why do I feel like trashy leftovers??

Now to give you a little more history of us, we have been in each other's lives off and on over the past 10+ years. So, I have known about all of his past relationships, friends and what not. The last relationship he had before "getting hitched" to me, was one of the best he had been in. Well, silly me thought she made him grow up !! PRAISE YE THE LORD. And the whole time that relationship was going on, I saw someone that I had never seen in all of the years of knowing him. Wow... I want that man right there... And so, I prayed and ask the Lord is this him? No one else makes me feel the way he does....

Whew....Pt 2

I don't want you thinking in any shape, form or fashion that pt 1 and the following entries pertaining to what I am telling you about this season in my world are bashing sessions, because they aren't. I am merely just stating this thing from my perspective. And by all means, when you get a chance pray for both of our hearts to be open and that they are healed.

Now, just from reading Pt. 1 you would think JD is this awful man. In actuality, he isn't. He just not "that type of guy" to change as he puts it. We both weren't ready for what the Lord had for us. And I realize that this could be repairable. And I know what kind of person or man of God JD could be. I have prayed for him constantly since these battles started (since before the I do's) and have yet to stop doing so. Whatever the case was or should have been, its been an uphill spiritual war that has had that baby wounded for an extended amount of time and not able to heal as he should.

And it just seems like he lives his life to please others. And that shouldn't be the case. You should be living your life for the Lord. Before I go any further, I am not saying I have been a saint, because I know fo' sho' I haven't been. I have brought quite a bit on myself that I couldn't swallow, but I ran into it and didn't look back and came out on top. And there are quite a few things I am still healing from.

Now, I have a couple of questions for you.. Wouldn't you find it interesting (if you were married) if your spouse talked to everyone about your marriage but you? Ok, let's go a little deeper into this thing. How about if his side of the family knew more than you did about your marriage? Wouldn't that seem a bit....... peculiar??? Boy, where are my smiley expressions when I need them?

Looks like this will have many parts... More to come.....

Whew......Pt. 1

Is what I can say about my life. The Lord has shown me sooooo much over the course of this past week. Even more so over the weekend. Do you remember how I said that I would talk to you some time later about what's really going on with me in this season? Well, I get to share bits and pieces about it...

So bare with me, k? Alrighty, here goes: This whole season for me has been about pressing towards the mark to get to the Lord in the midst of an unneccesary battle after battle within the marriage covenant I made with Jesus and JD. Oh boy....

I met JD when I was around 13 or 14years old at church. I thought he looked nice but didn't pay him too much attention until his sister told me about him. JD asked me could he court me after meeting and speaking to my folks. I was now 16 and had my first true boyfriend... Yeah I thought I was the stuff.... little did I know that over 14 years later I would be in this place.

We got married and I thought (thats what I get for thinking) that he had grown and was ready for what he bargained for. I guess not. More to come...

Truly Baffled @...

How some people could possibly question my relationship with Christ because I am not doing what they feel I should be doing or I am not making the decision that agrees with what THEY want and how they do things. Wow... I don't know whether to be appauled, mad or just amazed.

And these are the "folx" that love me? Really? If that's love, then I am with the wrong people... No matter what everyone thinks, I think I am right on track as far running for the hem of the Lord's garment, so my issue of blood can be gone (in due season).

I don't like having a "foul" odor. Its down right embarassing. I want to be fresh and clean. And in order to do that properly, I need to be stripped,torn,pulled of anything holding me back from where God wants me to be. I do know that I am not going to get closer to Him the same way as anyone else. He didn't create all of us the same. He lets us have similar situations to help keep each other accountable as well as lifted in spirit.

This is my show. No more dress rehearsals, this is it. I keep repeating myself. I am sooooooo thankful for a fresh start. To be in love with Jesus truly and start over with the slate clean.

Lord,

I know my past keeps creeping up on me, but I need you to move anything that isn't of You so that I can truly focus on You to be a better person that wears the many hats you have given me and whatever comes in Your time. I love you more than anything and I am willing, Lord to uncover everything (Jesus) to be clean and whole with You.

Jenn

Here We Go.... Again...

I hate the fact that some people feel like they know what's best for me and mine. And have their own opinions about my life. For once, I would like to leave my past right where it is and move forward. Without it being HUNG over my head after every decision that I make. You can say what you want, but don't judge me please.

The only person who truly knows the end results is Jesus. I am learning how to rely solely on Him. I had to stop depending on my BF soo much for the answers. She doesn't know either. All she knows to do is to direct me to the Lord, and the rest is up to me. We depend on each other for strength and encouragement and almost forget to tell Jesus about it. I have to keep encouragaing myself. I am the one going thru. This isn't easy for me. Life isn't easy. You take what you have and make the best of it. I will never be who others think I should be. I can only be Jenn. The Jenn that God created.

I have had a season up to this point that has been mad crazy. But I refuse to run from it. I am facing it head on and if others don't like my approach, then I can't worry about them, can I?

If you have a spare moment in your prayer time, please pray for me.