Revealing What's Underneath Pt1...

While conversating with my sister-friend the other day, she made a statement that has been in the back of my mind (this whole time) truly come to life. I thought I pressed it so far back into my head that it wasn't even a factor in my thought process. Really and truly I almost forgot about it. To the point where it would creep back in to the forefront of my mind when a situation came up. "You aren't going to be anything but filthy rags". " No one is going to want you just the way you are." I heard those words from T.A. for so long that I guess in trying to figure out what has really been holding me back this whole time from truly living out my life for Jesus were those statements. In talking it out with her, I realized that I have been saying these statements to myself subconsciously(sp?). Not those exact words, but close enough for me to clam up and press forward holding on to my past woes and not succeeding in the way the Lord saw fit. I was indeed living a defeated life. And most of the time, didn't realize it.

Even when you have someone (mostly family) saying to you that you are special, you are worth more than that, you can do anything... it still comes down to you accepting and using your gifts and talents that the Lord gave you. He didn't just create you for His health. He created you for a purpose. And its up to us as His babies to adhere to what He has giving us to do. I no longer want to put those negative feelings, statments in the forefront of my mind. I want Jesus to walk with me. I don't want to live a defeated life forever. I want my Daddy to scoop me up into His arms and guide on the path I need to go. The decisions I made in 2007 will stick as long as I am hearing His voice and not mine.

I am going to rebuke anything negative that comes my way because I know that's the ole Jenn trying to come out and play and I don't want to play with her anymore. I remember seeing in my sleep, me in ALL BLACK (darkness) with dark makeup on and looking like I had lost everything (which I had). I saw a hand come down toward me and pick me up from the ball that I was in, shake me til I was clean and kissed me and was told that everything would be alright. Just Trust in Me. Have faith in me instead of those men. See, if you remember some blog entries back, I talked about putting my faith into the wrong man's hands and not the Lord's. I honestly believe that the Lord was showing me just that in my sleep. I saw all of the men who at some point were a part of my life who I had given everything to, and I mean everything pop up out of nowhere. And the way to get rid of the hurt, pain and remains of feeling worthless was to scream them out.. yeah, it was pretty weird to me at the time to. But the more I did it, the more things started going away and changing for the better....