Time Sure Does Fly By....

I realize that I haven't posted since August.. whoa... Time flies when you are working, I have been here at my job for almost a year :-O (Nov. 1st) and I am truly, truly thankful for the situations, antics, fallouts, arguments, frustration that I have had in order to get closer to Jesus in the workplace. Blessed oil comes in real handy around here.... ;)) I have been frustrtated :-L, mad at the world, mad at people for the things that I did. But, no one has control over my actions, but me. I have learned to step back and re-evaluate situations without just making decisions emotionally. That is soooooo hard to do...

About this time last year, I was venting about what was going on in my world and where I was with it. And recalling the many blessings I have received since then. The Lord has revealed quite a bit in a year and I must say that I have been knocked on my face to pray. This situation is a lil more complicated, more complex than before...
***When you get a moment, please [-O< for you me***

I have been at my wits ~X( end about how to continue moving forward. Things are falling into place, and I am thankful that the Lord hasn't given up on me yet...

I sure hope that whatever the ultimate final decision is that I make, won't leave me without the people I need the most. I think that is my biggest fear. Well, off to work I go...:-"


Love you all :x :)>-,

Tears Like A River...

Ya know, I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to hit me. I knew that soon, I would breakdown and cry sooo hard my eyes, head and heart would hurt.... My life is topsy-turvy and sooo many things ran through my head in a matter of 15 secs it felt like... I am glad that I got it out, but wow.... I didn't realize how much of what has been going on with my world I had pinned up in my 4'11 stature... And just when I felt like there was no hope for me, when I felt at my wits end, the Holy Spirit comforted me with something soo special that my sister sent me a while back...

HANDY LITTLE CHART -
God has a positive answer:

You say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you (John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out" God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: "I can't do it" God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able" God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
You say: "I can't forgive myself" God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage" God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid" God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I'm not smart enough" God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone" God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

I got the chance to remember how much my Daddy loves me.. I had the opportunity to fall in love with Him on whole other level. I am in love with Jesus and He is in love with me. This chart is going to help reshape my thinking and outlook on things. How marvelous is it that we can cry til it hurts knowing that His arms are right there to hold us and love on us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the decisions I have made thus far, haven't been wrong, that I am indeed good enough, that I am worth more than I think. Truth be told, I don't like feeling I am second or that I am not important enough to someone.

It was time for me to truly let go... It was time for me to readjust the color of my glasses and see clearly what's going down. And know that in time, with patience and endurance this race will indeed be won !!!

Love ya,

Short, Sweet and To The Point....

I saw this today and this is where I am with my life. And I have to admit, these words are exactly what I have been looking for to sum up how I feel.. Wow !!!


Be who you are in the Lord and do what you feel is appropriate according to His word...Because those that matter...don't mind...And those that mind...don't matter."


"He meets you right where you are...His arms are stretched out wide for you to embrace Him"...J.T.

To Be or Not To Be (A Fit Mother)... That Is The Question....

This question in my head is kinda quirky because I wonder if I am a fit mother. Will I ever be right to be someone's care giver, life saver, protector, nuturer..aka Mom. I am sure you are thinking... according to who? Society? Family, Friends?? That is what I ask myself quite frequently.

I know there are a whole lot of things I can do differently. I hope and pray that those things come with the help of the Lord and time. Being a mom doesn't come with complete instructions. What it comes with is: A relationship that is tested every second of every minute....your relationship with Jesus and with your child. And... it ain't no joke. I love being a mother to my princess, but I will not lie... It's one of the hardest duties that I have been called to do. And I know that I wouldn't change it for the simple fact that the Lord knew I needed this continual life lesson in human form to mold and shape me for the kingdom.

I know that it takes laying on my face and praying to the Lord God Almighty for guidance every step of the way... Here's to you all of your moms who feel like you don't matter, that you aren't the best.... Have a nugget for you to hold captive in your heart...

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH !!! The Lord will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory !!! You are the apples of His eye. :) You mean more to Him than you mean to anyone else.. Allow Him to give you all of the tools you need to succeeed in this position of being mommy..

I am thankful for all of the mothers who have had a part of me becoming who I am especially the one who gave me life.. :) I praise God for a praying mama.. And who never stopped believing in me.

Happy Mommy's Day !!!!

Talk About Cleaning House... Ole Stuff Just Won't Do

Do you ever get the feeling like everything around you flithy is clogging up your system? Or that the dust flying in the air is causing your allergies to flare?

Maybe it's time to get some spring/summer cleaning done? Let's go deeper, shall we? How about spring/summer cleaning your spiritual being? Do the things you incorporate into your life that are within "comfort boundaries" clog up your system? Do your "spiritual sinuses" begin to go haywire due to some dust in the air? In talking to my sister (bestest friend ever in life), the Holy Spirit advised me that in order to be refreshed, rejuvenated and ready for the next phase of this journey, I need to get rid of some things... All of the excess baggage, doesn't need to follow me the rest of my days.. :) Wow.. Look at God !!! I was wondering why my mind wasn't clear, why I was always looking for some type of "the right medicine" to get rid of this headache that just wouldn't go away. You know the kind that sort of lingers, goes away... comes back... lingers.. you get the idea..

I knew I was going to have to clean, but good gracious a life.... I didn't realize there was sooo much to clean.. Not just the right now, but the before right now **Jenn getting dizzy**.. That's quite a bit. But the wonderful part of that is, I don't have to do it all in one swoop. I can clean in stages, which is a blessing in itself.. :)

Lord,

You have been EVERYTHING I need since I can remember. Forgive me, Father for putting those things and people in my world before You and not getting rid of the garbage as I should have. Thank you that You are a God of protection, love, truth, soverignty, grace and mercy.. I come before You now, knowing what's at hand, and laying it at Your feet for me to not to worry about. Create in me in pure and gentle heart so that I may worship You freely and openly....

In Your Precious Son's name I pray,

Amen...

Well, I betta get to cleaning !!! See ya !!!

And Again It Starts...

You know, all of those mixed emotions that can either take you down or make you stronger... I am in the final stages of permanently seperating from my first love and even though this is has been one wild ride, the seatbelt isn't enough right now to hold me down and keep my heart safe.

Let's go thru all of the emotions shall we?

1. Angry - I am tired of everyone that has had comments speaking to me like they have lived where I have in this season and act like that there is just one side to this story. I didn't ask for this. I am like Rissa some marriages were doomed to fail from the get go....To me (and a few others), JD saw a cinderella story, I saw work .... When work got too hard, he quit and ran.. And he wants everyone to rally behind him to make me break. In previous posts, I have stated that I do know (and realize) nothing is too big or too hard for God. I know He can change anything, but that person who is "calling" out to the Master, needs to want it wholeheartedly (and sincerely) in their heart before anything will begin to move.

2. Sad- Again, I didn't want this, however.... *standing on a soapbox to be seen* my relationship with Jesus is FAR more important.. downright crucial to maintain than any other relationship at this point in my life... My heart is heavy because I know JD is a good man and can be whatever the Lord has called him to be. I know he can do what he sets his mind to and be successful. (too much like right)and I know I have been created to be a wife, mother, and all of that jazz... And right now, it seems to be not in the cards for Jenn.

3. Frustrated and Annoyed - I don't know why folks seem to think that because I have a "history" with them, that I should follow them to the lake of fire.... Are you kidding? My relationships with anyone else has nothing to do with the relationship at the forefront. I understand receiving Godly advice, wisdom and what have you... But, come on.. that is just another way to bully me. Not !!!!

4. Scared - I don't know what lies ahead, but you know what???? I have never been this close to the Lord and I don't intend on "joshin' it " up now. I am determined not to lose my Daddy in the midst of emotional baggage and unecessary dramatics. I have to be at my best for my daughter as well as for my family. The only way to do is that to battle with every single emotion and feeling that pops up. I am terrified, but I know I am safe in the arms of Jesus. That is why Psalms 91 rings true for me.

I eventually will come out of this sucky world, I don't like the feeling of it now, but I have learned that the sucky parts are for the peachy parts of your life.

I love every single one of you who keep up with me.

***I know I should blog more *** :)

Jenn

The Newness In Me..

There is this little girl inside of me that has decided to come out and play. And I love it. She is into bright beautiful colors, changing how she looks and dresses. She is too excited to be tipping through the tulips !! This little mama also loves to just be herself and not worry about who is watching. This little lady is free !!!

I felt in bondage for tooo long and now I have come out of my shell. I have never felt better in my years of claiming Jesus (Ro, you know what I mean):) Everyday, little by little, the Lord is strpping me of the those things that I cannot hold on to that aren't of Him. If I am to take my rightful place in the kingdom, then I need to dot my i's and cross my t's.. :) I am on a mission to make the Lord proud and please Him on a daily basis with my life.

It gets hard sometimes, but I know the end result is Greatness with the Father !!! If I make Him my everything, I have nothing to worry about !!! Isn't that exciting???? Just think, brick by brick, day by day you are getting closer to the Father by sowing yourself into His word and renewing your spirit faithfully which includes dying to self. If you change certain attributes about yourself such as your mindset, attitude, most importantly your character to be more like Christ, you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose !!! **dancing**

I am going to stop before I get to shouting foreal !!!

Love you all,

Jenn

This Position... A Time To Heal

This entry is based on comments I received on 'scars'... The one thing that I want to do and am aiming to do is take the proper time to get myself together and realize that this was (and still is) a gigantical storm. I never wanted to dust myself right off and get right back out there.. Heaven's no. That would be insane. Plus, the baggage left over would just be packed right on in the next go 'round. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

• The first thing I have done (and what I am continuing to do) is I have prayed, fasted and have asked for confirmation on the steps that I have taken thus far. I asked for forgiveness of what I have done and what I haven't done. I have forgiven those who I feel have hurt me in some kind of way. And at this stage in the game... I have also asked if the decisions I have made been acceptable and if they have not, I asked to be shown.

• The second thing is to take care of myself (foreal). I have begun this year, to take at least an evening to myself and do things that Jenn likes. If that is being selfish, well then I need to be for myself. It would seem to some that I am always doing things for myself, when indeed I am not. If I don't learn how to enjoy myself then I won't be ready to enjoy anything or anyone else. If I don't take time out for myself sometimes, I am going to seriously wind up in some mental institution and miss out on being who my daughter needs me to be for her, who my family needs me to be for them and most importantly who Jesus needs me to be for the kingdom. My ultimate goal is to pursue the Lord with everything I have. And I need to be whole to accomplish that.

• The third thing I have decided to do (and will continue to do) is seek the Lord and surrender to hearing His voice and not my own. This has been some pilgrimmage for me. And I am not about to stop chasing down my Daddy for guidance and wisdom. For those who know the true ins and outs of this particular 'scar', I have battled with the decisions that I have made and it hasn't been easy. I have cried more in the last year than I think I ever have. I have wanted to just give it up and leave this world because I thought I wouldn't be good enough to do or be anything. Truth be told my scars are verbal and emotional abuse which aren't a joy to battle. I have dealt with that for a number of years and that is one scar I want to heal.

I was reading Psalms 84 and verse 10 caught my attention: 'Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.' I want to be as close as I possibly can to Him. And one day in His courts, in His presence is far better than wallowing in my feelings of no self worth, low self esteem any day... :)

I want to truly learn more and enjoy who Jenn is. I didn't do that before. And now I have the chance to do so. And I am sooooooooooooooo thankful for this opportunity.

' Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. ' Psalms 85:10-11.

At the intersection of His love and faithfulness, I have found my life. For years I took detours. This go 'round, no detours or early exits because its easy... I am on a mission to find my way home.

Scars...Do They Really Heal???

Anytime my sweet little girl hurts herself, she wants help in cleaning it, wanting to make sure that her wound doesn't get infected and feeling better after its all said and done. But her favorite part is getting a band-aid to put on it. She takes her time picking out the right one so that it stays secure and it is rather suited to her taste. It makes her feel better to know that her pain won't last too much longer. Especially with the band-aid on it. It covers up the once untouched area that will now leave a scar once it heals.

• But my question is: will the scar truly ever heal?

Being in this season of my life is hard, I have quite a few bumps, bruises and I mostly have scars almost looking like tattoos. Some would call them 'battle scars'. I had gotten to a point of just pressing forward and not looking back. Because I knew if I looked back, these scars would be opened back up and I would have to re-clean them and band-aid them back up. What I want you all who read my blog to know is that I don't like being hurt anymore than you do, I don't care for reminders sometimes of what happened to me. I would only hope that the scars I have received would just heal and the scab would stay in place. But it never happens. Somehow, some way... those hurts are brought back to the forefront and I ended up feeling like I did when I first received them.

But that's a part of this life we have been given. We have bruises and 'battle scars' to remind us of where we have come from. They can also be reminders not to go back to that particular part of your life. Everyone's scars are different, everyone's walk is different. But the one thing that will never change is God's undying love for each of us. He will make sure to kiss our scars and make us feel all better. I love the fact that I need help cleaning my scars and getting one of his band-aids on my wound. :)

Never Have I Felt Like This...

I know that I was created to be a mother, wife and all of that good stuff that comes with life. I know that it takes time and patience for things to come to pass. I know I didn't wait for time or have the patience to make sure things were right for "D" or myself. I wonder sometimes, if I would've waited instead of letting my physical side have the best of me (and JD too), would things be different. I wonder if I had been the one to say,"Maybe we ought to slow this thing down", would things be different. I wonder if I said how I felt sooner than later would things be any different. But no longer am I living in 1993. No longer can I justify to anyone why I did those things. What I have to do is live in accordance to what my new manwants for my life. I need to truly enjoy Jenn and "D" before I left someone else have my heart.

Never have I felt like I can be myself and enjoy all of who Jenn is. It bothers me and hurts to be seperate from my first love and not have that relationship (covenant) with him again, but I would much rather live with Jesus and submit to Him rather than live out of order because the man I needed to be my Jesus (in the home) wants me to be head of the household. I love Jesus too much to let a human come between us. It is not that deep.

I love you all who continue to pray that trouble don't last always in our lives. Thank you for being an inspiration for me to keep moving forward.

I Have To Come Clean.. Pt 2

In this lovely moment of cleansing, I have to admit that the entire time I was with JD,I was doing what I dreaded. Trying to be in love with a man using 'old love'. Love has to evolve and grow in order to be maintained. I think both of us are guilty of trying to keep the '93-'95 romance alive. And it just wasn't working. When the seasons of your life change, so should you. I thought that the man I gave my heart and life to would be oh my goodness down right giddy to have his high school sweetheart as his wife. But again, I have gotten leftovers. It started wearing me down and I felt Jenn losing her mind. I wasn't functioning properly.

I learned to put on the 'everything is beautiful' face and wore it honey. :) I always wanted him to look good and stand out. I tried my bestest (would prefer using another word)to make sure he knew he is the man. But, I never got that (I am his woman fo' sho) in return. I believe that the Lord allows things to happen for a reason even when they look wrong and out of order. I know I want Jesus to be my one and only until He says otherwise. I have to remember that no one can satisfy me but Him.

No man (humanly possible as of this moment) can take care of me, love me, hold me like Jesus can. And what happens with me is I put ALL of my faith in a man (JD at the time) and then I get hurt and disappointed because they aren't my Superman. Then it never fails, I go into a funk and that low self esteem side of me tries to creep back in to tell me that I am not nor will I ever be worth anyone truly accepting me and loving me, that no one will ever want me. Sometimes even now, I wonder if that's true. But I know its not. But when you have heard it sooo much, it makes you wonder.

I am not saying it's right what's going on, because it's not. What I am saying is that its time to shed all of that unneccesary baggage of old dreams, old love and begin again. And at this time, I want to begin the process (foreal) of shedding what's not supposed to be in my life at this time as apposed to letting myself fall into that dark pit of loneliness, hurt, low esteem and bitterness. And go back to wondering if what I was told 5 years ago was truth: That I would never be loved because I was filthy worn rags...

I Have 2 Come Clean....

About my entries of releasing how I felt about this season of my life (and this process) They have been venting sessions. And the fact of the matter is this process is just downright crazy stupid. I mean you would think I would have gone freakin' looney by now. I am going to tell you the only one that is helping me to 'hold it down' is Jesus. I wonder if it is this time of the year that brings a huge range of emotion on and I honestly don't know how to deal unless I have talked to the Lord about how to make it through.

One of the many reasons I decided to join hands with the man I thought was ready to make a convenant with Jesus and myself was because I didn't want to be by myself anymore. I didn't like the fact that (I felt)I had sooooo much of myself to give that I didn't have anyone to share it with. I just knew that we would work everything out together. Like we had in the past. Another reason was because I felt (and still do sometimes) that "D" needs (or needed) a permanent father figure in her life to make her world better. I thought that her "godfather" would be the best candidate not realizing that a wonderful man was already in her life to be there for her. And boy did I mess that up...

My heart hurts right now only because I have done some 'jacked' up things in my life and I know I can't go back and fix them. I can only live for right now. I wish I could go back to the past and pinpoint just where the 'jacked up' decisions started. Someone has told me that I am precious, intelligent, have wonderful qualities and I don't need to jump at the first person who compliments me. I need to enjoy myself and take care of myself because I can't be and won't be any good to anyone if I am not those things to myself.

12 years ago today...

My mom went home to be with Jesus. I cannot believe its been that long. I remember it was the end of my junior year into my senior year in high school when mom and I really started hanging. Even when she was tired and didn't feel like it, she made sure she did things with me. I remember our late night fried egg sandwiches while watching I love Lucy. :) I remember rolling mom's hair and watching her westerns. And you couldn't talk at all during the three and a half hour western extravaganza either. You had to wait until a commerical was on before speaking. Something that is just sticking out in my mind right now is that I was told that I have said that mom didn't do anything for me that's why I didn't know how to do certain things. Well, thinking about what was said and remembering probably what I meant was at the time I felt I needed her (in my eyes) the most, she wasn't able to be there for me like I would have liked. My siblings had more time with her than I did. I don't remember the times I was told of because I was younger.

And I am sure when I spoke out about my mom not being there for me was probably because I was mad or hurt at the time. Who knows. But I would hope that my fam wouldn't hold that over my head. I was spoiled (still am according to some folks :) ) beyond belief..I am the baby of the family and it shows. :) I am not saying that she wasn't there for me because I know she was. Some things that I wanted to know, I didn't get a chance to ask or do with her because she went home to be with Jesus.

I am glad that the Lord saw fit for me to be in the fam that I am in. I love each one of my siblings to pieces. I wouldn't trade them for anything. And we get closer and closer which makes my heart melt. Thank you Lord for giving me a mother who truly took care of her children and did everything she could to provide for us (I know daddy did things for us too.. its mom's day).

So, today (and any other day) I am going to remember the times I got to spend with my mom. When we laughed til our stomachs hurt, when we got to shop for my prom shoes fifteen minutes before the mall closed, when I watched T.V. with her, when she would "jack" me up when I did something uncool. :) The other part is I see my mom in my daughter. It's really neat to see mannerisms that mom had manifested in "D". :) I miss her and I know I will see her again. Her legacy lives on thru her daughters and granddaughter. If your parents are still around, make sure you tell them how much they mean to you (even if they get on your last good retarded nerve). Spoil them like they spoiled you... Just enjoy them... :)

Taking Thanksgiving For Granted...

Is what I used to do. I didn't ever think about like that, of course. But I did a few days ago. It was all about the food and who was coming over and how late we were going to stay up cooking. :) This year was different for me. Not only did I get to spend it with my extended family (1st time), but it was refreshing to be in the midst of family who is truly thankful for the life Jesus Christ has given them.

I laughed until I cried which is normal, but it was different. I played with the children (which again is normal), but was different. I prayed and felt different about being thankful this year. I am glad the Lord is allowing these things to take place within my life so that I can truly savor and enjoy who I am and where I am with those around me. :)

Inadequate...

Is how I feel sometimes when it comes to my life. Especially when it comes to my daughter. I know she needs her mom in more ways than one. But there are times when she wants someone else. How do you deal with that? I feel so left out when she talks to someone else. I feel like I am the only one who needs to know. And I know thats just going to happen more and more as she gets older. I want her to always know that she can come to her mom and talk about anything. I just don't want her thinking that her mom is failure and can't do anything.
I know she doesn't, but it sure pops into my mind quite frequently.

One of Chrystal's many blogs talks about this very subject. I had to go back and read it. And I had to remind myself that truly motherhood isn't for the faint at heart. And know that its ok to feel like you haven't done anything, or just feel flat out "not worthy" of being a mom. But what you can do is trust the Lord with your responsibility and watch it change and grow for the better.

Just figured I would share that...

Toodles,

Jenn

Blessings...

Wow... My last entry was quite interesting. I am sooo glad that I don't have explain myself to the people that really know and love me.

Can we say D-O-N-E ???? I have never been more sure of anything ever. But, I needed the suggestion and opinion from my B squared to feel better about my life. Only because since the human I gave my life to doesn't know how or want to take care of it properly, there are two men who will. My Lord and Savior Jesus and my B squared. He will be my covering until the Lord says different. And for me, B squared's opinions and thoughts about his LS are needed especially now.

I didn't realize how much of an impact my siblings had on me. Its amazing how the Lord puts you in a particular family and you all are different yet the same in soooooooo many different ways. I love my family. Always will. I am very grateful and thankful that ALL of them know the Lord and want to chase Him as their life mission.

Then there is the one and only BFF of mine. I tell you, this chick here is amazing. We giggle, cry, vent together and it lets me know that women really can get along. One of the coolest things about us is: we are sooo afraid of messing up that we tell each other that.... and thats cool. :) I am loving that. Its not a competetion over who has the biggest croc tears, or who has best clothes, etc. We strive to make each other better. Not once has this baby said to me do this and do that. She has put herself in a position to assist me to get myself to Jesus. She is encouraging, loving, (ok I will stop being mushy)and funny !!!!!

Lord,

Thank you Father for protection and accoutability and prayer of family and close friends who only want what You want for my life. I praise You, Oh God because You are everything I could ever ask for and more. I am thankful I get to jump into Your arms and call You Daddy again like never before. I am in awe of you, Oh Lord. Thank you for your grace, your discipline, your love. I am very appreciate of the clean slate.

Your daughter,

Jenn

Whew (Oh Lord)....Pt 4

***Let me just tell you that I am thankful for grace and the everlasting arm of the Lord.*** Ok.... I am ready to finish this..........

So, after major fasting, prayer, crying, giggling..I thought I heard the Lord when He told me that is was the right thing to do in marrying JD. I thought so at the time.... Then preparations began. I asked specifically if this wasn't supposed to come to pass, show me.... I guess I was not on the same wavelength with the Lord because there were entirely too many red flags flying directly in my face.... No, I take that back, I did hear the Lord. I heard clearly to move forward. And so, I did. And as most of us would do who know Jesus, we constantly ask those nerve wretching, unending questions.. are you sure? is this really going to happen? if it is, show me... The first time the Lord gives you any kind of sign, PLEASE....PLEASE.... adhere to it. You may find yourself in not soo much mayhem if you would listen... ;)
My "not listening" antics were because the Lord was trying to prove a point to me. And boy did I get it... The point was to trust me with your life before you give it to a human. I didn't do that. I am still feeling the affects of that decision.

Anyhoo,
Here again I am not saying that JD is a horrible person. I am just saying that too much confusion, heartache and pain can lead someone down the road towards having a mental breakdown. It seemed like the more I tried to keep my mouth shut about things, the worse things got. Now, we as women sometimes don't need to voice our opinion, and then there are designated times when we should. I was trying to respect my husband's decisions all the while rolling my eyes into the back of my head, practically biting my tongue off after decisions have been made that I just thought were plain stupid. I had to respect him... I tried ya'll, I really did. I tried to put myself in his shoes.(Which were tooooooo big for me to fill, by the way)..Tried thinking like he did... Now, that made my head hurt. I didn't want that position anymore. I didn't want to make all of the decisions. It's supposed to be a team effort, right? Something close to 50/50, right? I'll take you're wrong for $500, Alex???
See? There I go again, thinking outside of him.

Somehow between disagreements and battles, I ended up becoming head of the house.... BUZZ !!!! Wrong answer, I wanted to help not take over... Oh, I forgot...that's what you are use to...so you wanted me to continue that tradition... NOT !!! I wasn't about to do that.. I love Jesus too much... And I refuse to be out of order and backwards because you won't do right.

Whew....Pt 2

I don't want you thinking in any shape, form or fashion that pt 1 and the following entries pertaining to what I am telling you about this season in my world are bashing sessions, because they aren't. I am merely just stating this thing from my perspective. And by all means, when you get a chance pray for both of our hearts to be open and that they are healed.

Now, just from reading Pt. 1 you would think JD is this awful man. In actuality, he isn't. He just not "that type of guy" to change as he puts it. We both weren't ready for what the Lord had for us. And I realize that this could be repairable. And I know what kind of person or man of God JD could be. I have prayed for him constantly since these battles started (since before the I do's) and have yet to stop doing so. Whatever the case was or should have been, its been an uphill spiritual war that has had that baby wounded for an extended amount of time and not able to heal as he should.

And it just seems like he lives his life to please others. And that shouldn't be the case. You should be living your life for the Lord. Before I go any further, I am not saying I have been a saint, because I know fo' sho' I haven't been. I have brought quite a bit on myself that I couldn't swallow, but I ran into it and didn't look back and came out on top. And there are quite a few things I am still healing from.

Now, I have a couple of questions for you.. Wouldn't you find it interesting (if you were married) if your spouse talked to everyone about your marriage but you? Ok, let's go a little deeper into this thing. How about if his side of the family knew more than you did about your marriage? Wouldn't that seem a bit....... peculiar??? Boy, where are my smiley expressions when I need them?

Looks like this will have many parts... More to come.....

Whew......Pt. 1

Is what I can say about my life. The Lord has shown me sooooo much over the course of this past week. Even more so over the weekend. Do you remember how I said that I would talk to you some time later about what's really going on with me in this season? Well, I get to share bits and pieces about it...

So bare with me, k? Alrighty, here goes: This whole season for me has been about pressing towards the mark to get to the Lord in the midst of an unneccesary battle after battle within the marriage covenant I made with Jesus and JD. Oh boy....

I met JD when I was around 13 or 14years old at church. I thought he looked nice but didn't pay him too much attention until his sister told me about him. JD asked me could he court me after meeting and speaking to my folks. I was now 16 and had my first true boyfriend... Yeah I thought I was the stuff.... little did I know that over 14 years later I would be in this place.

We got married and I thought (thats what I get for thinking) that he had grown and was ready for what he bargained for. I guess not. More to come...

Truly Baffled @...

How some people could possibly question my relationship with Christ because I am not doing what they feel I should be doing or I am not making the decision that agrees with what THEY want and how they do things. Wow... I don't know whether to be appauled, mad or just amazed.

And these are the "folx" that love me? Really? If that's love, then I am with the wrong people... No matter what everyone thinks, I think I am right on track as far running for the hem of the Lord's garment, so my issue of blood can be gone (in due season).

I don't like having a "foul" odor. Its down right embarassing. I want to be fresh and clean. And in order to do that properly, I need to be stripped,torn,pulled of anything holding me back from where God wants me to be. I do know that I am not going to get closer to Him the same way as anyone else. He didn't create all of us the same. He lets us have similar situations to help keep each other accountable as well as lifted in spirit.

This is my show. No more dress rehearsals, this is it. I keep repeating myself. I am sooooooo thankful for a fresh start. To be in love with Jesus truly and start over with the slate clean.

Lord,

I know my past keeps creeping up on me, but I need you to move anything that isn't of You so that I can truly focus on You to be a better person that wears the many hats you have given me and whatever comes in Your time. I love you more than anything and I am willing, Lord to uncover everything (Jesus) to be clean and whole with You.

Jenn